What if today I told you I was going to die?

What if today I told you I was going to die?

Would you cry?  Most certainly you would.  I would not have cried yet so seeing you in tears would fill me with such heartache that I myself would cry.  You would get up from your chair, walk around the table and sit on my lap. You'd want to hold me.  And you'd want me to hold you. And together we would cry. For me it would not be long but it would be deep.  I'm not sure you will ever stop crying.

Would you feel like someone punched you in the gut?  Or would it just be a tremendous hole where once beat your heart.  I know your knees are weak and you want to remain sitting.  All you can do is feel. There is no thought.  No planning.  No wondering about your future.  Right now its all about loss and that feeling that the world is closing in on you and you can't get it to stop.  But not for me.

My first thoughts will not be of my impeding demise but of the future. My future. Our future. But what about your future?  What will your life be like when I am no longer here? And more importantly, what do I need to do with my time remaining to make sure your future is secure?  I will feel that I've let you down, disappointed you.  And then I will get angry, at myself.

I will be angry because I didn't spend enough time with you.  I will be angry because there were times that I disappointed you.  I will be angry because there were times that I hurt you.  Most of all I will be angry because I will not be there for you when you need me.  I will be angry because my shoulder will not be there when you need to cry.  I will be angry because my arms will not be there when you need to be held.  And I will be angry because I will need time.

I will need time alone to process all this.  I will need to have my emotional time, alone.  And this will make you hurt.  You won't understand why I need to do this myself.  I know that and again I am angry.  But this is what I will need.  Not long.  And when I come back I will be ready.

I will be ready for what the future holds.  I will be ready to live life like I should have. I will wonder why we didn't live every minute like it was the last.

Why does it take dying to learn how to live?

What if today I told you I was going to die?